I don't know what to do. I don't want to make it worse.

We aren’t here to arrive with solutions: We need to arrive in presence (which looks different for different folks). Silence is okay. You don’t always have to say something or act in a big way. But doing nothing often feels much worse (even if we are silently caring and loving from afar).

Don’t avoid the issue: If there’s a reason why talking about something is hard for you, try and share that. Transparency is key. Sitting in our fears leads to inaction. We need to get comfortable making mistakes, and not holding all of the answers or knowledge or pathways.

Do your own research: Look for resources and tools created by directly impacted people, or information shared by credible groups and organizations. We also want to be careful not make general assumptions, and to ask before we assume something is part of their experience.

Ask descriptive questions: For example -- “I know what paranoia feels like to me, but could you share what it feels like for you?” // “You’ve talked a lot about how you’re drinking a lot lately, what do you think has been helpful about it?”

That’s a problem for therapy, not friendships.

There is no specific “conversation” that should only be reserved for therapy: Not everything requires a referral: How are we working to hold space for genuine emotional discussions in our relationships?

Therapy is one only option: While many folks have felt supported in therapy, not everyone can access it, not everyone wants to access it, and for some people, it simply hasn't been helpful. Most dominant therapeutic techniques were developed with a white Eurocentric understanding of psychology and trauma, and approaches such as CBT can cause more harm to marginalized people.

Healing happens in community: We are not saying have no boundaries and support everyone 24/7. Rather, have a good sense of your boundaries and capacity, and work to communicate that while also communicating the ways you can be present.

I feel powerless. I can’t fix all of their problems.

Put down the coat, we are not here to rescue: People deserve to be supported in making their own choices and decisions. If someone asks for our support with solving a particular problem, we have consent to engage in that conversation. But our goal should be connection, not solving.

Many problems don't have quick fixes:

It can often feel better for us as the supporter to help with a short-term problem, because there can be a sense of closure and next steps. We get to feel like we helped with something concrete. But we have to build our capacity to sit with people who have problems that can’t be fixed, cured, or solved.

Offer tangible things: Rather than saying “let me know if you need anything” you could say “I’ll be available at [X] times this week if you want to set up some times talk? I can also send food your way so you don’t have to worry about making anything. Do either of those options feel good to you?"

Avoid the impulse to find the bright side: Honoring the presence of pain, suffering, grief, etc. is necessary.

I don’t want to enable people’s "bad" behaviors.

People deserve support whether or not they are engaging in behaviors you consider to be “bad”: There is no one image of health or healing. In alignment with the principles of harm reduction, we do not judge people for the choices they make in order to survive

We do not get to make choices for people. But we can be present and use our connection as a supportive tool towards healing. What does it do to threaten people with disconnection for not engaging in our image of healing or recovery? What is gained? What is lost?

People need to know they can talk to someone without them pressuring them to change to stop what they’re doing. For example, if someone is self-harming you can say something like: “I’m here if you want to talk about it, how to find some alternatives, or how to take care of wounds/stay safe. But I won’t pressure you to stop self-harming because I understand it’s serving a purpose for you right now. I just want to support you in reducing potential harm to yourself, and helping you find alternatives if that’s what you want.”

I don’t want to bring it up if they don’t want to talk to me about it.

Ask if it’s okay to bring up the topic before engaging. Also: just because they’re opening up about some things doesn’t mean they’re ready to talk about everything with you — so approach with caution.

Don’t expect that they will want to open up, and respect it if they don’t want to talk about it: Nobody owes us their story or their pain, and we may not feel like a safe or supportive person to talk to (for whatever reason).

Focus on specifics rather than broad generalizations: You've been acting weird lately or I don't think you are doing well is vague, unspecific, and not as helpful as naming I've been worried about how little you've been sleeping or when you mentioned wanting to die the past few times, were you talking about suicide? Or just naming the weight of all of this?

I’m not sure I can handle it if they talk about [X].

Don’t ask for information you aren’t ready or prepared to hold: If we ask someone to open up, we want to be able to hold the appropriate space for them. If you know you only have 1 hour, be clear about that.

Know your activation points: And know what happens in your bodymind when you become triggered. Negotiate what you both need to stay present (including switching topics or taking a pause), without placing blame on the person sharing. If needed, be transparent about any topics you aren't able to discuss at that time: I can talk for the next hour or so, but I'm not able to listen to graphic details of self-injury or sexual abuse. I can support you in finding someone to connect to about that if you'd like, and I will let you know when I'm in a space to listen to those details."

Support collectively, in groups or care teams (when able): Susan Raffo talks about always having two layers of support. It's easy to fall back into harmful thought patterns, become frustrated, or displace our emotions when we're exhausted and have limited access to supportive resources. We want to make sure we access our own tools, support, and guidance so we are able to engage in anti-ableist and anti-sanist care.

Stay tuned for our Anti-Carceral Crisis Response School, starting in April 2022 (and launching soon)!